Dessy.

Hello all, I'm RosalinOdessa Orabella, most people call me Rose, but I prefer the name "Dessy" because it sounds like "Nessy."
Welcome to a little slice of my life.
This was supposed to be an art blog (and hopefully the art part will recommence soon), but it has turned into one of prose as of late.
Adventures, love, laughter, craziness and little moments of sublimity. A true glimpse and reflection of and into my life as an adult with a child’s heart.
Come journey along with me.

Growing up is the scariest action one does not consciously make.

21.07.14

The fact that it has been months and I still miss the way you play with my hair or the way you look at me and the way your heart beats so quickly when you hold me tight.
I wish I wasn’t still in love with you.
I just want you out of my life.

20.07.14

You brought me cookies, I’m not entirely sure if it was to win brownie points, out of boredom or genuine interest.
You took time out of your lazy day off to labor and produce edible delights.
And I’m still just unsure.
Maybe I am reading too much into this.

But we talked and we flirted and generally got along quite smashingly.
Perhaps my mind warped the moments to seem as if you took true interest. Misleading me from seeing what I had seen prior. Did I see what I wanted to see?

But I genuinely felt as if you did like me beyond my looks.
For my blunt nature and sassy comebacks.
As if you took interest beyond the fact that I was a woman.
You saw me for my charm and intelligence.
I wasn’t just a random hook up, a quick and ditch.

But again, you never stated that you felt these ways.
Only others. Those were clear.

And you said I am hard to read…

I could never quite make out your intentions.
I called you a creep and pushed you away, being difficult as I am.
I’ve liked you for a bit now and I just don’t know what your aims are.

I know you are too devious for me.

But I kissed you anyway.

19.07.14

Chad,
It’s been months and not a day goes by without me thinking of you.
I understand loss and I understand your position because I am still living it. Every day.
My father died one year ago today after being taken off life support.
Death is not a choice, it is a destination.
Destruction is the path it takes and the shock waves are still felt miles down the road.
It is ever looming as we all try to wrap up financial affairs and other such pieces to the puzzle.
Death is a casket that remains unclosed for a while and unburied a while longer.
Regardless of the time or circumstance, it is always I the back of your mind that someone you once knew is no longer.
Perhaps this is a positive thing, making every memory more and more fond and happier. Moments that last in our minds like home video recordings only we could produce on the screen of our minds. We are able to see things as we wish for them to be seen. Death allows a freedom of interpretation unmatched in reality as we may see those who have passed in a better light.
With death comes solitude, forgiveness and a pride from knowing someone.
Death is a mere reflection of all of the things we have been taught by the individuals in our lives.

Sometimes you don’t need to see it so negatively.
Sometimes it is better to be the wave than the rock. The rock wares down too quickly.

Think about it.

I had a dream about you this morning.
It was so good to see you, I kept sleeping just for it to continue.
I miss you terribly.
I’m so glad I got to see you again.

Fall back with me. Into water. Under the stars.
We are looking up at the sky, floating together.
The moon is bright and your face is on my mind.
Heart is on fire, thought escapes.
Looking up. Comfort. You.

05.06.14

I can’t do it.

I can’t let you go.

I’ve tried to move on, I really have.
I know you wanted me to go on with my life but I am stuck.
I am stuck on you and everything that we once were, what we could be.

You are doing me more harm than good.
You though you could save me from the pain.
The suffering has only dwelled, knowing you are wounded yet too prideful to admit.

I stand here, defenseless.
I feel your emotions just as hard as I feel mine.
Swamped from miles away; distance cannot separate our hearts.

I am breaking as you crumble behind the wall. I cannot see you, but I feel you.
Your hands outstretched, attempting to grasp it for support.
You truly are hanging on by a thread, about to crack, about to break into a million pieces.
Everything around you deteriorates and the wall is the only stability. It is finite in your mind.

I am behind.
I cannot see you, I cannot hear you, I cannot help you.
But I can feel you; I feel you within me.
Trying so hard to be brave and yet you are deteriorating like a rotting corpse.

You are stuck in a grave.
You are decomposing.
You are breaking.
You are scared.

Everything you once knew is still falling apart.

Waiting.

30.05.14

You ever do something stupid then you’re like “FUCK! I did something stupid,” hours later?
That is my most recent and looming thought as of 31 hours ago.

How stupid could you be, Rose?
And it just keeps piling up, this blaming and guilt for acting so stupid.
Yet what I’ve done truly is not as stupid as it appears, as it could be taken.

Again, I am blowing things out of proportion.
I am taking a risk and chewing myself out for doing so.
Usually, I take the risk and try to flow along with it.

Not this time.

I am frantic, running wild.
I cannot tame my mind and the racing thoughts.
So stupid. So very stupid.

But in fact, it was simple.
One simple little move.
One simple little request.
A question, inferred.
That is all there needed to be.

Such a miniscule thing in relation to the world.
And I am stupid for it.
I cannot get over how big of a risk it is.
Was.

I guess I will find out soon enough.

I’m talking to the air again, saying “I love you.”

It’s difficult when you’re not around.